Aspie with Attitude

Sure, I'm just another Southern Recovering Alcoholic NPR- and Sweet-Tea Addicted Comic Mom with Asperger's in the SFV, but I can tell you now that I don't necessarily fit the stereotype.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Gotcha Day Sucks

I defriended this girl on FB when she proudly announced that today is "Gotcha Day" for her little Chinese adoptee. Yuck! As a reunited adoptee, I find it hard to celebrate a day on which my identity was permanently changed and on which I was legally separated from the family that God and nature gave me. Maybe I'm supposed to be ecstatic about such a day, but I am not. The woman who posted this has a son that seems to be truly hers. And then, there's the little Chinese adoptee, a girl, of course, whom the mom of the son proudly calls her "daughter" and tells how she got the little Chinese girl two years ago today. My guess is that the son's mama is happy as a clam to have saved another little China girl from growing up in an orphanage. Fair enough, perhaps, but the little China girl has been sold to the West. She will probably never find her real family and will grow up with English as her main language. She'll pretend that she's only American, that she looks like the family that took her in, even though they are clearly blond and she is clearly dark-haired. She'll be encouraged to be thankful and grateful and all those other words to her adopters. After all, they saved her, didn't they?!?

And on this day, this "Gotcha Day," she will be forced even more to show that she fully loves this family that is not hers, that smells different, that looks different, that has no blood relationship to her. All the pretending that she will do in her life will help her to smile on Gotcha Day, but inside, she will be grieving and hurting. Americans who take in these China girls and pretend they are their daughters are helping to perpetuate a system in China in which moms are forced to have abortions as late as one week beyond their due date. Oh, I guess the Gotcha adoptress would also like to save all those babies, too. But she won't. No. In fact, as much in debt to China as the U.S. is, my guess is that the one-child system will be coming to the U.S. within a few decades, with the resulting late-term abortions for mothers. By that time, this little China girl will be all grown and in therapy, trying to figure out herself without knowing any relatives, without knowing the language of the country her relatives are from, but with the idea that she is supposed be forever grateful to the people who have pretended she is their daughter. She will look at natural families and desire to fit into a family as the children she sees, even her pretend brother, fit into their families. There's no telling how all this will affect her, but it will affect her.

Americans keep buying children from China and other countries, supporting a system that separates families forever. As long as Westerners do this kind of thing, the system will flourish and more "Gotcha Days" will be celebrated. I don't think this is how God wants it to be. Funny how he gave us natural families to take care of each other and such and now, we have totally screwed up that system. "Gotcha Day" and other such stupid pro-adoption stuff is but a reminder of how far away from God we have really gotten as a society.

15 comments:

The ThompSONS and a daughter said...

I can see why this got no comments.

Cyndi and Dean said...

This was posted on my FB by another China Adoption Mom to be. I am so offended by your post. What gives you the right to say this? There are so many people out there that can't have their own "natural" children, like my husband and I, so we took the path of adoption. Your right, our child won't look like us, we didn't give birth to her, but by all means she WILL BE OUR DAUGHTER!!! We will celebrate GOTCHA DAY when it's our turn to bring her home.
I think you are a very sad person and I feel sorry for you.

Cyndi and Dean said...

This was posted on my FB by another China Adoption Mom to be. I am so offended by your post. What gives you the right to say this? There are so many people out there that can't have their own "natural" children, like my husband and I, so we took the path of adoption. Your right, our child won't look like us, we didn't give birth to her, but by all means she WILL BE OUR DAUGHTER!!! We will celebrate GOTCHA DAY when it's our turn to bring her home.
I think you are a very sad person and I feel sorry for you.

tnekker said...

Wow you definitely had an opinion about Gotcha Day! As one of those mom's who adopted a child from Ethiopia, I was hoping that a Gotcha Day would celebrate the day that she became a part of our family. Do you have any suggestions?
Don't adopt? Well, too late, I already did.
I feel that God did call me and my husband to adopt. I do know that God says "to care for the orphans". I wish her parents could have taken care of her, but they couldn't. She was abandoned and there will be no way to find any family members. But I would guess if there had been, her mother would have given her to them instead of to the clinic she was found at.
Anyway, I want my daughter to know that we love her and that the day she came to us is "like" a birthday.
Would appreciate any other thoughts..

tnekker said...

Wow you definitely had an opinion about Gotcha Day! As one of those mom's who adopted a child from Ethiopia, I was hoping that a Gotcha Day would celebrate the day that she became a part of our family. Do you have any suggestions?
Don't adopt? Well, too late, I already did.
I feel that God did call me and my husband to adopt. I do know that God says "to care for the orphans". I wish her parents could have taken care of her, but they couldn't. She was abandoned and there will be no way to find any family members. But I would guess if there had been, her mother would have given her to them instead of to the clinic she was found at.
Anyway, I want my daughter to know that we love her and that the day she came to us is "like" a birthday.
Would appreciate any other thoughts..

Tracey Davis said...

The reality is that little girl would not have ever found her natural family, and that if not adopted, she would likely have ended up 14 and a prostitute. Great that you want her and all Chinese kids to be in a country where they look like everyone else and all, but don't make yourself feel better by declaring this stranger girl's life would have been better if she had not been taken into a loving family and cared for in a way that an orphanage never would have.

Holly Starr said...

Your post makes me sad. God is specific about our need to help orphans and widows. It isn't the system in China or anywhere else that is broken. It is people making poor choices that lead to our abortion/orphan problem. Thankfully, there are families wanting to love on and help orphans to have a forever family!

Jackie said...

You need serious help. This is not a system we screwed up, but a system God has fashioned after what He has done for us. After all, we are all His adopted sons and daughters. He knew humans we going to screw up families, murder their children, give them up, and this is His fix to a broken society, a society that can take in orphaned children and treat them as their own, or have you not read the part in scripture about taking care of the orphan. Your society is selfish and destructive and your society actually perpetuates the problem. I pray Our Father opens your heart and that you can begin to emulate His examply of adoption and forgiveness.

ANewKindOfKrazy said...

look I am adopted and I think it is an amazing opportunity or families and kids. to tell u the truth, if I wasn't adopted I would be poor and living in horrible conditions. my life now is amazing and I get so many more opportunities. it wasn't me or my parents now that decided to give me away it was my actual parents that didn't want me. I don't want to live with someone that wanted to give me up or feels ashamed I me. I want to be with a family that loves me and is happy to have me. these are the people I grew up with, these are the people that care for me no matter what. the definetion of family isn't the same blood or actual family, it is loving and nurturing and supporting eachother, something I wouldn't have if I wasn't adopted. this is just my point of view.

Linda Povey said...

Wow. I feel so sorry for you and your closed, angry, heart. My husband and I leave in two weeks to go to China to adopt a toddler. She was abandoned, in addition to the one child rule, girls and boys are often abandoned with either real or perceived special needs. Since we were never able to have a child of our own, we are excited to give our daughter all that we have to give. Isn't that what The Lord wants for all of us? To give of ourselves and try to make this difficult world better through our love? I will pray for you, as you obviously have some strongly unresolved issues from your own adoption.

Keli Adkins said...

I understand that you are speaking of an adoption from China, but I HAVE to comment. I'm assuming you've been adopted? Did you not have a loving home with happiness? I feel from your rant that you did not. I'm truly saddened by your experience. Adoption is beautiful. My husband and I were unable to have our own family. We had so much love to give a child. We had a physical need to love a child. We were blessed beyond measure to finalize an adoption almost 3 years ago. We do not call it "gotcha day." I've never even heard of the term until this evening. We call it our family day. We always do something to celebrate. Something that she loves to do. We love her as if she were our very own. As for natural families, if they are a loving family ready to take care of their children FANTASTIC! However, in the situation of our daughter, the birth mother was on drugs and continued with an abusive birth father. Is this supposed to be allowed all for natural families? Thankfully, they made a good decision ONE day after many court hearings and understood that they weren't desiring enough of her to straighten up and terminated their rights. You say it's the way God wants it? What about Esther? Moses? What about caring for orphans? Matthew 18:5? Any of this familiar? Again, I understand that you may not have had a loving family, but this is NOT in every case. Our daughter loves us. She loves all of my family and they LOVE HER! She was loved from the VERY beginning. She knows she's adopted and that it's special and that we prayed so much for her. She's asked questions and we are honest and answer them with age appropriate answers. I wholeheartedly believe that God loves those who care for children who have no one and approves of it. And wouldn't it be better for a baby, regardless of whether they are from China, Ukraine, Ethiopia or America, be adopted rather than killed? I know of SO MANY children adopted that are thankful and loving and have adopted their families just as much as the family adopted them! Please rethink your opinion or at least understand that it's not a horrible thing to be adopted. We are praying fervently for a another child right now. And have been for the last 10 years! And yes, we will have to pay for the fees. It's not free. We however, refuse to go to an agency that cannot list out exactly where the money goes. That would feel like buying a child and we will not be made to feel this way. And the last thing. We know and understand how much of a sacrifice it is for most birth mother/parents to give their child up for adoption. Especially those who KNOW that the life they would give them is not what the child needs. Again, I'm truly sorry for you that your experience was not positive. I am not one to comment on blogs, but I absolutely could not let this go without saying something. I pray that your life improves from here. Love your family. However, you came to get them.

Keli Adkins said...

I understand that you are speaking of an adoption from China, but I HAVE to comment. I'm assuming you've been adopted? Did you not have a loving home with happiness? I feel from your rant that you did not. I'm truly saddened by your experience. Adoption is beautiful. My husband and I were unable to have our own family. We had so much love to give a child. We had a physical need to love a child. We were blessed beyond measure to finalize an adoption almost 3 years ago. We do not call it "gotcha day." I've never even heard of the term until this evening. We call it our family day. We always do something to celebrate. Something that she loves to do. We love her as if she were our very own. As for natural families, if they are a loving family ready to take care of their children FANTASTIC! However, in the situation of our daughter, the birth mother was on drugs and continued with an abusive birth father. Is this supposed to be allowed all for natural families? Thankfully, they made a good decision ONE day after many court hearings and understood that they weren't desiring enough of her to straighten up and terminated their rights. You say it's the way God wants it? What about Esther? Moses? What about caring for orphans? Matthew 18:5? Any of this familiar? Again, I understand that you may not have had a loving family, but this is NOT in every case. Our daughter loves us. She loves all of my family and they LOVE HER! She was loved from the VERY beginning. She knows she's adopted and that it's special and that we prayed so much for her. She's asked questions and we are honest and answer them with age appropriate answers. I wholeheartedly believe that God loves those who care for children who have no one and approves of it. And wouldn't it be better for a baby, regardless of whether they are from China, Ukraine, Ethiopia or America, be adopted rather than killed? I know of SO MANY children adopted that are thankful and loving and have adopted their families just as much as the family adopted them! Please rethink your opinion or at least understand that it's not a horrible thing to be adopted. We are praying fervently for a another child right now. And have been for the last 10 years! And yes, we will have to pay for the fees. It's not free. We however, refuse to go to an agency that cannot list out exactly where the money goes. That would feel like buying a child and we will not be made to feel this way. And the last thing. We know and understand how much of a sacrifice it is for most birth mother/parents to give their child up for adoption. Especially those who KNOW that the life they would give them is not what the child needs. Again, I'm truly sorry for you that your experience was not positive. I am not one to comment on blogs, but I absolutely could not let this go without saying something. I pray that your life improves from here. Love your family. However, you came to get them.

Logi Cal said...

Your post sounds very anti adoption, no? In many cases, children are neglected and abused. The adoptive family, in effect, DOES save the child from a life of abuse and neglect. Children may have fantasies that their birth parents are something that they are not. But criticizing adoptive families for wanting to help these children? I think it all depends on your perspective, and I respectfully disagree with you.

We actually are in the Foster adoption program through our county. I wanted to add a different , more positive perspective. (I hope that you publish this so that others can see the positive perspective.) Studies that we have read, along with our social service advocates, and all of the people we know in our foster care/adoption support group, celebrate "Gotcha Day." There is nothing negative about it to our organization, these children and families. In fact, It is a very positive event celebrating the fortunate union of the child to the adoptive family. It's actually healthy to acknowledge how special that child is and to celebrate the event. I suppose there are two schools of thought on this, with two completely different mindsets. If you focus on the negative, it will be a negative, and if you focus on the positive, it will be positive.

Logi Cal said...

This post sound almost anti adoption, no?

I think it comes down to perspective. This can either become a very negative and traumatic event if you focus on the negative, or it can be a very positive and happy event, if you focus on the positive. I would like to offer the positive perspective. We are in the foster adoption program in our county for abused and neglected children. Everyone in our system, from the county social services, to the other families in our foster/adoption support group, celebrate Gotcha day, and it a very positive event for all involved, especially the children. I don't quite understand the criticism toward families who want to rescue a child from an abusive and neglectful situation, and who want to provide a loving and safe home for these children. The birth parents terminated their right to be the "mom and Dad." They also ended the cycle of abuse and neglect. Again, i think it comes down to your perspective, which I respectfully disagree with. I hope that you piblish this so that others see a more positive point of view on this subject.

Rin said...

I wanted to post something really negative because this blog is so infuriating and absurd, so instead... NO. Just, No. you couldn't be more wrong.