Aspie with Attitude

Sure, I'm just another Southern Recovering Alcoholic NPR- and Sweet-Tea Addicted Comic Mom with Asperger's in the SFV, but I can tell you now that I don't necessarily fit the stereotype.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Why I Might Defriend You

The other day I added somebody on Facebook whom I'd grown up with. I didn't know her and her sister very well, but I remember them fondly. I also remember their mom as being a very nice person. Let's call the person I added Adoptress X (AX). Looking through her pictures, I was sad to find that, although she and her husband look not at all Asian, she had a small child with her who looked pretty darn Asian. There was also an older boy who matched AX and her husband more in looks, but still, I wasn't sure about him. He might also have been adopted. I'm not making a huge leap here to say that at least one of the children she was holding in her picture is an adoptee, not really her child. So, I think I got the name right, Adoptress X sounds exactly right. It's rather easy to avoid adoptresses in L.A. It's rather easy to avoid most everything in L.A. In fact, avoiding stuff is how we survive in L.A. Since I left the relatively upper middle-class enclave at Gymboree, I've run into fewer adoptees. Granted, please allow me to explain myself here: No, I'm not for abandoning babies in the streets; but also, I am not for pretending to be a baby's mama if I didn't give birth to a particular baby. This kind of thinking--i.e., that the natural parents count and are not merely demeaned to "birthparent"--which has been going on for millenia, has now been replaced by adoptionspeak, in which baby mamas all over the world are encouraged and coerced into giving away their children to people who want to pretend to be parents. Look, am I lucky to be a mom? You bet! I am extremely grateful and thankful. But if I weren't a mom, I wouldn't be pretending I was someone else's mom.

Having said all that, there are women that I grew up with whom I would call mom, or grandma, or aunt, or whatever, because I am that close to them. I grew up in a small community--thank God!--and everybody sorta helped to raise everybody else's children. I don't have a problem with an adoptee who wants to call his or her adoptee "mom" or whatever. But I do have a problem with adoptees who beg us to call them real parents of their adoptees. Because they are not. They never will be. We may love them and need them and be eternally grateful to them, but to pretend that they are our real parents is a lie. Unfortunately, it is a lie that most adoptees deal with every day, whether or not we realize it. A very few enlightened adoptees and adopters are on to the whole lying thing and one adopter who has written to me and has seen the truth is creating a very honest and loving atmosphere for her adoptee. If only more adopters would do so.

And so, we now come to "Single Dad Laughing," a blog that you can google and find yourself, if you like. I really enjoy the writing style of this adopter, but his plea for us to call him a real parent to his adoptee is just as sickening as those who may misspell words and be totally boring writers, and yet, beg us to call them real parents. The truth is, no matter how great your writing style, I really totally and completely disrespect you if you beg me and others to call you something that you are not. Unfortunately, the woman who posted the blog link of FB, an adoptee, seems to have a whole different meaning of parent than I and most of the world throughout history have ever had. Part of the changes that have been happening in this country over the past century or so have included changing families. Adoption and adoptionspeak, the renaming and redefining of words to support and encourage the ever-growing adoption industry, have changed the way that we think about families. There is so little respect for natural families these days; birth and genetics seem not to matter to the media types who support such adoption propaganda. In this brave new world, families can be created in any way possible, not in the way that God and nature intended. So, we have the story in the previously-mentioned blog, of Noah, whose rather young male adopter seems to have relationship problems (I can relate!) and yet, has been given a child whom he evidently "loves" so much that even when Noah spills M&Ms in the car, the adopter is simply filled with joy. Of course, the adopter gives lip service to the boy's baby mama, i.e., his "birthmother," which Male Adopter looks upon as the proper name for someone whose baby he has taken from the baby's mother's breast. Y'all know how I am about natural breastfeeding. Evidently, Male Adopter and his then-wife (that's all changed in Noah's short life, btw) were so anxious to snatch the child that they were in the delivery room when Noah's mom gave birth. How extremely awkward.

And of course, Noah's mom is a candidate for sainthood, according to Male Adopter, because of the "gift" she gave him and his then-wife. Noah's suffering a lot of pain with his Male Adopter's failed relationships, but then again, that's so very much better than if he were with his real mom, right?!? You know, the saint. Yeah, it's a good thing that Noah's Male Adopter is giving him such a stable life, right? And how many of us can feel the pain of Noah's real mom, whose heart must break every time she thinks of the baby she gave to someone else.

I ain't linking to the Male Adopter's blog, if that's what you're thinking. And yes, I defriended the person who passed along the link, not so much because she gave the Male Adopter publicity, but because she defended him and called him a parent, when he clearly is not. That kind of thing is triggering to me and adoptee or not, the person who passed along the link clearly does not get the truth of adoption. And right now, I'm not so sure I need those people in my life.