Aspie with Attitude

Sure, I'm just another Southern Recovering Alcoholic NPR- and Sweet-Tea Addicted Comic Mom with Asperger's in the SFV, but I can tell you now that I don't necessarily fit the stereotype.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Why Most Adoptees Really Dislike Me

Hate might be a more appropriate word. I used to seem to attract adoptees to me. Then, my dream came true. I found my mom. Adoptees, even one I'd been friends with for more than a decade, dropped me. Suddenly, I was pissing them off or they were pissing me off or something. Now, when I learn that somebody's an adoptee, I know to be careful. I have learned that most adoptees really dislike me. And so, it shouldn't surprise me that when I posted a comment to this blog regarding Sandra Bullock's new adoptee, I received this comment:

Tricia, your comments are completely uncalled for. She did not take a child from his mother. She chose to open her loving heart and home to a child who was either not wanted or unable to be cared for by his mother. You don’t know the situation. Most likely, her money would not have helped that child’s biological mother. Some women do not have the emotional maturity to be able to take care of a child and choose to give that child up for adoption for that child’s well-being. I myself am adopted, and have NEVER wanted to meet my [parents]. To me, my parents (sic) are the ones to were there for me, cared for me, loved me, etc. Not some woman who gave me up. Sandra Bullock is giving this beautiful baby a chance at life! Would you rather this baby be raised by the foster care system? Clearly, you do not understand much of anything about adoption, even though you claim you were adopted.

Enough of my rant. Your comment truly angered me.

Yeah, I often really wish that claim weren't true for me. But it is. The pain of adoption is something I've had to live with since before birth. And physical separation from my mother is something I experienced at two months old. Still, I don't find myself steeped in adoption brainwashing, as, apparently, TB is. I'm not sure why what I said angered her so much. TB's opinion is certainly that of mainstream media and her words could easily be printed in the ever-declining New York Times. Mine? Those of moms who've lost a child or more to adoption? Those of adoptees who've gotten past the brainwashing? Oh, not so much. In fact, I've witnessed an incredible suppression of our point of view. If it weren't for the Internet, views against adoption would be hard to find.

Perhaps my view threatens most adoptees because it is indeed very difficult to change what you've been told as long as you can consciously remember, i.e., when I go back home to the place where I grew up, I'm transported back to being "Beauford's girl," which I may have been, but I certainly was never his natural daughter. And yes, he and his wife loved me very much and I still miss them and they did very many parental-type things for me. But does it make them my natural parents? And did it take away the desire for me to find my natural family? And as much of a ruckus that my reunion with my natural parents caused in my life, do I regret being able to tell my own flesh and blood who their flesh and blood maternal grandparents and other family members are?

Adoption itself, the falsifying of birth certificates, and the taking away of one's parents and natural family to be replaced by genetic strangers are to blame for the often-permanent separation of families by adoption agencies. Every time a celebrity adopts, I think of all the public relations money that the adoption industry, a $1.6 billion business, has saved. The very white Sandra Bullock has taken the money that we've paid to see her and used it to buy herself a baby from some black mama who's probably been coached to be thankful that her baby can be raised by Sandra Bullock's nanny (don't fool yourself into thinking that Bullock is really doing this as most single moms do, without help). The mama who lost her baby to Bullock will never ever get over the loss of her baby; the child will never feel quite right at Bullock's house (although the child will sing the prai$e$ of Bullock as a "mom," no doubt); and the child's natural family will feel the loss for generations. Still, it makes a fabulous People cover story. As you can see from the comments, People's coverage of Bullock as "America's sweetheart" these last few months is certainly making a hero's journey out of her four-year attempt to take away a mother's child (remember that there is currently one adoptable baby for each 40 adopter hopefuls, i.e., the demand for adoptable babies far exceeds the supply). Note also that the natural mom was as completely absent from this story as the adoptress was present. And that, my friends, is what mainstream magazine adoption stories are all about. I dislike those biased stories greatly, almost as much as most adoptees dislike me.


Christina said...

I found your blog today..and I'm a reunited adoptee. I just wanted to tell you that I don't hate you at all. If that puts me in the minority, so be it. I'm used to that ;)

The Improper Adoptee said...

I don't hate you either. And actually, I just linked you to my blog. Adoptees search for themselves. For their sense of self. It has nothing to do with how Adoptees feel about their Adoptive Parents. I think the angry Adoptees don't ever search. They are more bitter than we are and more immature and are stuck in revenge mode. As in, you dumped me so I will ignore you. Although some are afraid, and need help dealing with this fear. Either way though. that comment was uncalled for. We shouldn't be cut down because we want to know who is in our bloodline, which is natural and normal for ALL people who have ever lived.

Robin said...

Most adoptees who are angry at their natural mothers also don't want to know the truth of their experience. The resentment has become, for many of them, a security blanket. Better the devil you know, kind of thing. This Mom loves you, Kiddo.

Vanessa said...

Your blog is amazing. Thank you for speaking the TRUTH of what adoption is really about, not the rainbows and sunshine propoganda crap the adoption industry and their paying customers want every one to hear.

Anyone who "hates" you or what you have to say are the one's who are to afraid to look deep within themselves to see the truth for what it really is; that adoption causes a lifetime of pain for the child and the mother who loses her child.

Anath said...

Hi there.

I realize this post is old, but there's a comment on it that's at least from this month, so...

I was curious about your input on the following situation.

I know a family who adopted a little girl about a year ago now.

The child's natural parents are both white-collar professionals. They have two other children, both early school age. Stable jobs, stable home, stable life. And yet they decided not to parent their third child.


The child has Down syndrome, and they did not want to parent a special-needs child.


Carlynne said...

Thanks for speaking your truth. As a mom who lost a baby to the industry 30 yrs ago, I appreciate hearing an honest account from an adoptee. My daughter and I reunited 8 yrs ago and it's been fabulous. It's such a relief to have her back in my life. To me it's a tragedy when a mom and a newborn child are separated. When I read about Sandra B. I was so sad. All I could think about was that child's natural mother and what she's going through. Like you being hated by other adoptees, sometimes I feel hated by adopters AND adoptees. People have been so brainwashed by the system that they just don't see it. They don't see that the industry is still working it like they worked me and took my daughter. Their techniques are just slicker and in full, glossy color now in the form of "Dear Bmother" letters. Sickening! Keep talking, keep speaking your truth.