Aspie with Attitude

Sure, I'm just another Southern Recovering Alcoholic NPR- and Sweet-Tea Addicted Comic Mom with Asperger's in the SFV, but I can tell you now that I don't necessarily fit the stereotype.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Adoptress Seeks Refund

Recently, someone I have known since elementary school found me on Facebook. When she added me, I looked on her Facebook page, found her phone number, and gave her a call. It was great talking with her, and I don't think I'd talked with her since graduation. One of the first things that she mentioned on the phone, however, was that she remembered my telling her that I am adopted. I'd forgotten I told her, but that's not so unusual; I've probably suppressed a lot of memories regarding adoption. She told me that she'd never heard of anyone who was adopted and that she went home and asked her mother all kinds of questions. True, those of us who are adoptees are kind of hatched rather than born, or so it seems to us, especially prior to finding our natural families. Hearing about the day of my birth from my mother, after being thought of as being hatched for so very long, was a true miracle. I'm so very thankful that I found my parents, even though my mother and I no longer speak to each other. Finding my natural parents has been a huge blessing, despite the hardships of trying to get to know family members that I didn't grow up with. There's no doubt that I have harbored a bit of anger about being taken from my mother, deprived of breastfeeding, and given to strangers. Fortunately, I'm learning to deal with that anger, release it, and move on with my life.

Look at the comments on this blog, however, and you'll find some in which adopters accuse me of all kinds of things, including needing therapy. It's really difficult for many, although not all, adopters to come to terms with the fact that a) they may act in a parental role, but they are not their adoptee's real parents; and b) adoption is not going to solve the child's huge problem of being separated from his or her parents. Therefore, many adopters believe that they are actually helping a child by taking the child away from his or her extended family and country and bringing said child to the overstimulated Western world, where the child can have everything that his or her family has always dreamed of, except, of course, for the family that God and nature gave the child. Sometimes, adoption fantasies grow so large that adopters believe they can actually have the child of their dreams. As those of us who are fortunate enough to be natural parents know, sometimes our children are nightmares. When this kind of thing happens to me, I may want to be mad at my child, but when all is said and done, that child is often merely a little mirror of his dad or of me or of someone in our families. Oh, how it really hurts to see so much of myself in my children sometimes! Adopters, being genetic strangers to their adoptees, must often feel as though they are trying to do the impossible: Make someone who doesn't belong in their family belong in their family. Sometimes, this arrangement works just fine and everybody's more or less happy, at least on the surface. I grew up pretty much that way. Deep inside, however, many of us adoptees, no matter how successful and wonderful we may look on the outside, suffer an almost intolerable pain on the inside. To me, it's fascinating when a young adoptee, cutting through all his or her pain, can vent that pain. Like so many others, I hid a lot of my pain and internalized it, sabotaging mainly myself. Boys, however, are often a bit more sensitive, interestingly enough, about this pain and will sometimes act out, as this little guy did. In no way am I condoning his behavior, but let's face it: His adoptress took him away from his family and his native land and expected him to be grateful, no doubt, for the opportunity to be raised in the greatest empire-building country in the world.

He wasn't much for it:

The grandmother of an adopted boy who was sent back to Russia alone on an airplane says the child was violent and angry with his mother in the U.S.

Nancy Hansen told The Associated Press on Friday from her home in Shelbyville, Tenn., that she put the child on a plane to Russia with a note from her daughter. She says the family paid a man $200 to pick the boy up at the airport and take him to the Russian Education and Science Ministry.

Hansen says the boy, known as Justin to his adoptive family, was sent back to the ministry because the family thought officials there could take care of him. She says it wasn't child abandonment because a stewardess was watching the boy on the flight and a reputable person picked him up in Russia.

Again, I'm not at all condoning his behavior, but at least he can use for his excuse the fact that he's a little boy. The adoptress did something I can't imagine doing to any child: She stuck a scared little boy on a plane alone and sent him back to Russia. It appears as though he wasn't the child she'd hoped he would be. I guess the whole forever family thing that adoption agencies so love to tout didn't quite work here.

Note that the article itself calls the adoptress his "mother" and the adoptress' mother his "grandmother." It sure doesn't take much these days for the media to form a pretend family.

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